|You deserve it more than they do.|
2) That one was broken, so it doesn't count.
3) That one was gross, I'll eat it, but it doesn't count.
4) If you hide the wrapper from your spouse, it doesn't count (the old 'if a tree falls in the woods and no one sees it, does it make a sound' defense).
5) If you hide it really well by putting it under some recently discarded food in your kitchen garbage can, not only does it not count, but you worked hard and deserve a few extra.
6) As much as you like to pretend, your kid really doesn't floss his / her teeth, so you are doing him / her a favor by ruining your own teeth and saving theirs by eating their candy.
7) If you're child is too young to really accurately remember how much candy is in his jack-o-lantern when he / she goes to bed, its totally legit to steal it from them in the middle of the night (works best on 10/31, 11/1, 11/2 when the pumpkins are still pretty filled with candy).
8) If you steal candy from a neighbors kid and no one sees it, its definitely ok. Again, you are sparing their teeth
9) If you steal candy from a neighbors kid, but think you may have been seen, just say in a very believable way, "oh, your kid is so sweet, he just told me to pick one out", its not a lie if the parents believe it and therefore, that's ok too.
10) Your a parent, you deserve your cut of your kids loot. You wiped their butt for 4 years, you can take a freaking Reese's or two.
11) If the neighbors kids come to your house with candy, they have to pay the piper as well. I mean, come on, how many apple slices have you cut for little johnny only to have them take one bite and run outside?
12) The candy that sits in front of the office assistant who always has candy on his / her desk, but now the candy just happens to be in special Halloween wrappers? My god, if anyone needs less candy, its that person. So take a hand full, those don't count, you are saving that poor suckers life.
13) If it has peanuts in it, or any ingredient made in a factory that 'processes' nuts or any ingredient that was recently on a flight where some uncaring jerk opened the peanut wrapper and endangered the whole plane, for gods sake, eat those peanuty snacks, you are saving the planet as approximately 97% of today's kids are allergic to peanuts.
If you have some other good rationalizations, I'm all ears.